This is my choice.

I choose how I am going to live my life.

The program has been a challenge to me, but I’ve chosen to keep it up and do the work outs and eat the right foods. The choice was always mine to begin with, but the choice to eat whatever I wanted had a consequence and I’m paying for it. The choice to stop working out has had a consequence. The choice to try and do every physical thing that hurt me had a consequence. Life is full of choices and consequences… and now that I’m choosing to work out, to eat right, and rebuild my health there are other consequences. I can’t just fork over a few dollars for fast food burgers and pizza whenever I feel like it. I have to wake up earlier to prepare my food. I have to give up treats at work when the my coworkers decide to have cake, or cookies, or even pancakes… the latter of which actually happened this past week. My supervisor, however, thinking of me decided to bring some pork and cheese and let me pick up whole grain tortillas for a quick something that everyone else was jealous of. And all of that is my choice.

At the risk of sounding a little political, this has always been a strong component of my personal philosophy. Free will, my choice, rage against the machine. It’s also one of the many reasons my past attempts to lose weight has failed. So many diets start with the 12 Step mantra that we are powerless over the thing we are trying to quit, the thing that causes us to ruin our lives, and so on so forth. For many people, this step is an important one that they need to face… but for me, I’ve never been able to accept powerlessness in myself. From a very young age, I replaced a great many of my emotions with directed rage. I fight… I don’t want to just accept “convention” for the sake of it, I want to test the limits and stretch the paradigms. Rage against the machine, rabble rouse, question, defy authority, and spit into the wind. Yeah, I get a few loogies in my face for the trouble but I also keep climbing when many people would have given up a long long time ago. The program I am on builds on that desire to fight and make my own choices, because the point at the core of DDP’s program is personal choice. And I don’t have to ‘make up’ or ‘beat myself up’ for eating a Double-Double from In & Out with Animal Fries. I just eat the next meal healthy and start all over again. It’s all up to me. This is my choice.

I can do the ‘down dog’ as of the end of last week, and this week had me going all the way through the 25 minute workout. My heart rate monitor ticks me up and I try to keep it under 138, though it went all the way up to 146 before I even knew it. My knee hurts from kneeling all the time, so I think I need some kneepads to do a few of these work outs. This marks the start of a third week, and in two more weeks I will have been doing this program a full month. I haven’t had even the smallest sip of soda in that time. 1 slice of pizza the first week, 2 this past week, and that afore-mentioned double-double with animal fries. Okay, it was 2 double-doubles and I’m paying for it with some sluggishness today but I’m not giving in. No more fast food for the rest of the week, unless it’s a subway sammich loaded with veggies I like. Friday evening will be the first time I do the “Fat Burner” workout, which runs about 30 minutes… I know I’ll need breaks, I know I won’t get it all the first time, but I’m going to push myself and fight the good fight. It’s all up to me. This is my choice.  

Friends and family have been hugely supportive, which I honestly need. I keep this blog because I enjoy having an audience and it keeps the pressure on me to keep going. And for all the benefit this offers, this blog has a consequence. If I quit, it serves as a reminder of my failure and a little bit of humiliation. But this is also my choice.

Keep reading and coming back for updates, because I plan to beat my weight and get healthy. After all, it’s all up to me. This is my choice.