Feeling a little down, but trying to fight back up to my feet.

294. Weight still dropping, but so slowly now. =(

 

I haven’t broken my diet. I haven’t slipped back into old habits. I have, however, missed several scheduled Yoga sessions and I seem to be at a plateau at the moment. I’m finding it hard to motivate myself… there’s a lot of stress in my life, a lot of things going wrong, and a lot of things that I just can’t seem to work out in my head. In other words, I have far too many excuses and it’s harder and harder to shoo them away. That’s the point, though, right? I mean, if I were already as good as I wanted to be than I wouldn’t need to do this program, I wouldn’t need to change my habits, and I wouldn’t need to make an improvement. I’d be where I already wanted to be, and this is a journey not an automatic solution. So… I want that motivation.

I crave it, to be honest.

I want my friends to ask me about the program and how it’s going, and I want to feel badly when I’m not doing it as much as I should be. But I want to feel good when I am doing it… I want to feel like it matters to people that I’m trying to get healthier, that I’m trying to lose this weight, that I’m trying to change my life in a positive way. There is so much bullshit going on in everyone’s life right now that I sometimes feel bad and selfish to want all of this, that I’m a lousy person for wanting others to celebrate my effort. Maybe I am a bad person to some degree? Maybe, you be the judge.

A lot of this program is dependent on positive motivation, about changing the way my brain works on a general basis so that I’m able to see good things when they happen and to accept the bad things before moving on. I get daily inspirational quotes from DDP on my facebook page, I know I have to believe in them, and I know that I have to make this program work for me. Part of me feels like this may be my last chance to do it, that failure isn’t an option and that I have got to stay on the path I’ve now chosen. But there’s the other part of me that wonders why I’m doing all of this, why I’m making this effort, why I’m depriving myself of the occasional cupcake or KFC or whatever it is I’m craving at any given moment.

My son is a big motivator. My wife is another. I look at the both of them and I want to be with them, I want to stay around and live a long life with them. I want them to be proud of me, to want to be seen with me, and to celebrate my triumph when Markomania runs wild!!! Or something… I don’t know. I want to be seen in different roles than the loud, large, big mouth jerk. I want to start riding my bike again.