Feeling a little down, but trying to fight back up to my feet.

294. Weight still dropping, but so slowly now. =(

 

I haven’t broken my diet. I haven’t slipped back into old habits. I have, however, missed several scheduled Yoga sessions and I seem to be at a plateau at the moment. I’m finding it hard to motivate myself… there’s a lot of stress in my life, a lot of things going wrong, and a lot of things that I just can’t seem to work out in my head. In other words, I have far too many excuses and it’s harder and harder to shoo them away. That’s the point, though, right? I mean, if I were already as good as I wanted to be than I wouldn’t need to do this program, I wouldn’t need to change my habits, and I wouldn’t need to make an improvement. I’d be where I already wanted to be, and this is a journey not an automatic solution. So… I want that motivation.

I crave it, to be honest.

I want my friends to ask me about the program and how it’s going, and I want to feel badly when I’m not doing it as much as I should be. But I want to feel good when I am doing it… I want to feel like it matters to people that I’m trying to get healthier, that I’m trying to lose this weight, that I’m trying to change my life in a positive way. There is so much bullshit going on in everyone’s life right now that I sometimes feel bad and selfish to want all of this, that I’m a lousy person for wanting others to celebrate my effort. Maybe I am a bad person to some degree? Maybe, you be the judge.

A lot of this program is dependent on positive motivation, about changing the way my brain works on a general basis so that I’m able to see good things when they happen and to accept the bad things before moving on. I get daily inspirational quotes from DDP on my facebook page, I know I have to believe in them, and I know that I have to make this program work for me. Part of me feels like this may be my last chance to do it, that failure isn’t an option and that I have got to stay on the path I’ve now chosen. But there’s the other part of me that wonders why I’m doing all of this, why I’m making this effort, why I’m depriving myself of the occasional cupcake or KFC or whatever it is I’m craving at any given moment.

My son is a big motivator. My wife is another. I look at the both of them and I want to be with them, I want to stay around and live a long life with them. I want them to be proud of me, to want to be seen with me, and to celebrate my triumph when Markomania runs wild!!! Or something… I don’t know. I want to be seen in different roles than the loud, large, big mouth jerk. I want to start riding my bike again.

With a bang!!!

The next month began with a BANG!!!

I’m down 16 pounds from last month, bringing me in at a whopping 299 which is the first time in almost a year that I’ve been under three hundred pounds. It’s the first significant amount of weight I’ve lost since my second surgery, and I’m extremely excited by it. I’m working hard to fulfill my goals and my current goal is to try to drop another ten pounds by the time I weigh in again next month.

That should be around 289. The last time I was around 285 was during the Manor of Mayhem shoot with Blyte. My one and only “worked” match, even if it was only a studio brawl. I took some good bumps, hit a decent looking DDT, and eventually tapped out to the Camel Clutch. I was still fresh out of surgery by a little under 3 months and I shouldn’t have done it, but it was an opportunity I didn’t want to miss. Chances are I’ll never get a chance to work a match in front of a live crowd, that I’ll never be able to get in the ring again, so I wanted something to remember my training by and to hold in posterity. Despite the recent surgery, I was in far better shape at that point and I was able to work a solid 7 minutes without getting winded… and the match really wasn’t terrible. I wish the lighting were better so people could’ve seen the stuff we did against the wall more clearly… getting slammed into the ladder we set up there, the stiff clotheslines, and all that stuff. Getting back to that weight will be a small dream come true, because I really didn’t feel fat at that point. I actually kind of liked the way my body was shaped back then. So ten pounds… that’ll bring me within that range again.

But that’s a long term goal, and I need a short term goal right now. Just doing my program can’t be a goal, because it needs to become a habit. I need a “goal”, something to stay focused on and move toward… and it has to be something achievable without being overly easy. I think that maybe another “Davey Crockett” moment might be in store for the Cunningham boys. 

Also, I took my son to his first live WWE show... he loved it. But now he's bouncing all over the house and I need to get him to calm down a little... ugh. Well, wish me luck.

How much have I lost as I start week 5?

Another week marked down:  this is the end of my fourth, and it wasn’t as much of a success as the first two. Christmas makes dieting and strict workout regiments a little harder to maintain. Combining the rushed stress of family visits, last minute Holiday planning, and my depression made for an awful formula. I fell back into somewhat old habits, including two helpings of Christmas dinner instead of sticking to the one.  I missed breakfast on and off, I ate a few cookies the other night, and a few chocolates I got in my stocking. I did, however, manage to stay away from most of the fast foods and kept most of my diet regiment going pretty strong. I missed a Yoga-session Monday and Wed last week, though I did the Wed program on Thursday instead. I did not set any goals this week, which may be one of the things that held me back… I try to set three goals for my week, things that I have to meet over a period of time and not all at once.

 There’s no reason at all I shouldn’t be able to lose this horrible weight and get in better shape this year, so long as I remain disciplined. I got back on the horse last week and did everything I needed to do, which was my only real major goal. Just do the thing. Get it done. Keep it real.

Discipline sucks, occasionally. But it’s all about what I want, and what I’m willing to do to get it. I want to be healthier, I want to be happier, I want to be in better shape, and I want to feel better.

With that said, as I start week 5... I am proud to announce that I have lost roughly 16 lbs. 

Yes, you heard me... 16 pounds. In four weeks, I may be going a little too hard, so I need to make sure I don't lose the weight too quickly. Thank you everyone for your support. If I can do this again next month, I'm going to be even happier, because that will put me in the 280 range.